THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.
We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American
P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda with you.
So I replied with this:
It's the cynical 'we are better than you' attitude on both sides that a mucking this whole world up. I think that anyone who deifies Obama is a moron, but I don't want to live in a landscape where profit is more important than human sociological evolution either. The attitude presented in this oh-so-clever divorce notice is the real problem. Not the left nor the right or the gays or the rednecks. The expression 'divide and conquer' comes to mind. We, the working people, are on all fours right now. But we are too busy yelling 'Obama!' and 'Bush!' back and forth, that we don't get that they are all screwing us all. Did you know that only two of all the candidates this election cycle, are NOT members of the Council on Foreign Relations. Wacky conspiracy theories aside, do you think all of our politicians should be in the same 'social club?' So, 'conservatives,' I don't think that 'liberals' are your problem. And vice versa. Instead of forwarding not funny emails to all the other 'unique-just-like-you' people you know, why don't you guys actually read the Patriot Act, or the new bail out deal, or watch C-Span, instead of idiots like Coulter, or Maher (who are, like, best buddies, by the way. hmm?)
On another level:
1) The national anthem is to the tune of an old English drinking song, and 'I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing (In Perfect Harmony),' (learn to internet) was made famous by a Coke commercial. These facts make it hard to get behind either.
2) Subaru makes fantastic automobiles, and they are doing much better than American auto makers. This seems obvious. In wikipedia's article 'Automotive industry crisis of 2008-2009' the word 'Subaru' can't even be found. Learn to internet.
3) Judaism, Christianity, and Islam all are of the same origins, and worship the same god, and are all considered western religions. The only problem with Islam, is the Islamics. Much like Christianity and Christians. Do you want to keep Phelps, and the Westboro Baptist Church ? Please do. And no one, NO ONE, likes Scientologists. Especially 'liberal' hipster kids. Seriously, do a YouTube search for Scientology. Really, that inclusion was a HUGE, HUGE mistake and you don't even know why. LEARN TO INTERNET.
I was going to counter almost all of the 'jokes' with facts, you know, numbers and stuff. But, to correct all these malicious, glaring, generalities would take WAY to long. Also, it is hard to argue when someone uses only qualitative arguments. Besides, the original author didn't do any research, so why should I do any more?
Bottom Line: The original author is a pompous, cynical prick, and is the real problem with this country AND humanity. America has the best system, SEEN SO FAR. Don't fear the different. Don't spread cynicism and hate. If you read an actual paper, and watch TV news ONLY, you are dangerously under informed. Learn to internet.
And finally: John J. Wall is not real. Or, he is a civil litigation lawyer in Maine. Or, he is a thirty something from Boston, MA. Definitely not a young person, definitely not a law student. Gosh, do you guys believe every piece of mediocre comedy that your spam filter misses? LEARN TO INTERNET. IT IS 2009.
Dad, stop forwarding me garbage, or this is what will happen.
26 year old college drop out and American (by birth AND philosophy)
P.S. The only reason that a hippy-dippy Utopian fantasy would NOT work, is if you believe that humans are, BY NATURE, fucking jerks. I don't know what I think. Are you